Ballard – Seattle’s aging infrastructure is acting up again! The century-old Ballard Bridge remains stuck in the air at a near 90-degree angle due to a malfunctioning motor which has halted all gentrification into the neighborhood for nearly three hours.
Young, bearded bicyclists lining the streets were backed up for blocks surrounding the bridge.
“This is the second time this has happened in a month. When will they let Amazon do its thing and fix it?” stated 24-year-old Riley McCormack. “I’m gonna miss my goat yoga session over this shit!”
The bridge malfunction affected a large cross-section of 25 to 35-year-old well paid young professionals, ranging from fuckboys to people who call themselves entrepreneurs because they own a book by Tim Ferriss.
“I’m Ballard’s only vegan dog cupcake delivery specialist — people are counting on me today!” wrote Angie Combs in a series of urgent tweets. “If this bridge doesn’t open up soon, I’m gonna miss a catering delivery for Jaxx the chow chow’s fourth birthday party!”
While commuters into Ballard vented their frustrations on social media, the scene on the other side of the bridge was more of jubilation. Long-term local residents emerged from their bunkers in astonishment.
“I hope the bridge stays stuck more often! In the last three hours, my rent went down $200,” said lifelong Ballard resident, 67-year-old Doris Rigby.
News Update: The Bridge has finally opened to the public, along with three new nearby microbreweries and a fair-trade haberdashery.
