Saying 500,000 years is long enough, Mt. Rainier announced today it’s relocating to the desert Southwest gem of Tucson, Ariz. for the winter.
“I deserve to be happy,” said the mountain during an impassioned news conference. “You guys are out here having the time of your lives skiing and glissading down me while I’m looking down the barrel of being lost in a dark, nine-month fog with no access to Queer Eye, The Great British Bake Off or Invader Zim.”
Government and business community leaders immediately responded.
“Look, we can get a GoFundMe or something going to pay for a giant sun lamp if that will keep the mountain here,” said REI President Eric Artz. “I’d be happy to contribute.”
Governor Jay Inslee has called an emergency session of the legislature to address the issue.
“Climate change, I don’t know how or why, but climate change,” said Inslee. When pressed for details Inslee added, “Climate change.”
The fervent pleas from the community haven’t appeared to have changed the mountain’s mind.
“You can’t see me for three-quarters of the year anyway, so what’s the big deal?” Rainier said. “Winter around here runs from like October to July–that’s a long time to go without seeing the sun, especially when you’ve got ice riding up your crevasse.”
