Sara Nelson Assures Council Extra Jail Space for Illegal Drug Users Always Exists In Her Backyard Shroom Hallucinations
Faced with questions about how it’s even physically and financially possible to jail more people arrested for illegal drug use while the King County Jail is already bursting at the seams, Seattle City Councilmember...
Sound Transit Announces They Really Don’t Want You to Take the Train Anymore
After weeks of reduced service without a schedule on Link Light Rail, years without real-time arrivals on platforms, and massive delays on system expansion, today the Sound Transit Board cut to the chase and...
Chief Diaz Informs City They Didn’t Have to Believe He Doesn’t Have Side-Chick on Payroll So Fast
While somewhat thankful the entire city instantly believed him when he said that reports he hired a romantic affair partner to be a close coworker were false, today Seattle Police Department Chief Adrian Diaz...
Former SPD Chief Carmen Best’s Team at Microsoft Launches Text Deleter 365
A year and a half after being named Microsoft’s Director of Global Security Risk Operations, today Carmen Best—former Seattle Police Chief during 2020 protests and subsequent East Precinct abandonment—finally announced her team’s highly anticipated...
SPD Warns that Without More Funding It May Not Be Able to Afford Killing As Many Innocent People Next Year
Today the Seattle Police Officers Guild issued a dire warning to the city that, without significantly more funding, it may not be able to afford recklessly killing as many of its innocent residents like...
Google Maps to Now Reroute Seattle Drivers Through Spokane
Seattle drivers asking Google Maps for the quickest way to avoid traffic across town are reporting that they are now finding themselves rerouted through Spokane.
“I try to not take I-5 North during rush...
Report: Architects Just as Confused by Rainier Tower as We Are
Decades after the construction of a downtown Seattle skyscraper long-touted as one of the most structurally sound buildings on the West Coast, architects are now admitting they are just as confused by the Rainier...
Disgruntled Local Bus Driver Lowers Ramp at Every Stop Just to Piss Everyone Off
Veteran King County Metro driver Bernard Davis is in hot water with no less than five Route 48 riders for continually using the accessibility ramp at each of his stops -- clearly, they say...
Discovery Park Blackberry Bushes Pick Off Straggling Jogger
A relaxing after-work jog turned deadly for one man today after he fell behind his jogging pack and was picked off by the voracious blackberry bushes engulfing Discovery Park.
“It all happened so fast—one minute...
Eligible Voter Sitting Out Local Primary So They Can Hate General Election Options Enough to Not Vote in That Either
In what experts at democracy are calling a move of pure genius, local eligible voter Noah Clark is sitting out today’s local primary election so he can hate this November’s general election options enough...
