Tragedy Strikes As Subscription Box Cave-In Traps Residents In Apartment Lobby
Tragedy struck the Capitol Hill community last night as an avalanche of Prime boxes and frivolous subscription orders trapped residents inside the Sage Quaff Luxury Apartments lobby.
Local firefighters quickly arrived on scene and established...
Report: KOMO’s Jonathan Choe Absolutely Sure This Is a Live Shot of Downtown Seattle
In a live Project Seattle #HomelessIndustrialComplex special airing on KOMO today, reporter Jonathan Choe bravely revealed that—contrary to what anyone experienced this morning while getting flowers at Pike Place Market—Downtown Seattle is actually completely...
‘The Virus is a Hoax,’ Says Local Saint Giving You Place in Line for Life-Saving Vaccination
As Seattle’s first round of COVID-19 vaccination shots arrived today, local good Samaritan and conspiracy theorist Doug Fenley proudly announced that he would kindly be letting you take his place in line for life-saving...
Jenny Durkan’s Heart and 7 Other Places to Cool Off This Weekend
If you’re looking for a place to cool off during this unprecedented scorcher in Seattle, where a majority of us do not have AC, The Needling highly recommends chilling out in one of the...
Local Tech CEO Promises Equal Pay, Equal Harassment
Today the CEO of local tech startup Bootstrappr announced they would be the first in the industry to ensure every single one of their employees, regardless of race or gender, receive both equal pay...
Dow Constantine Campaign Scrambling to Remember What County Executive Is and Does
Following news that Washington State Sen. Joe Nguyen would be his first serious challenger for his elected office in years, sources confirm Dow Constantine’s campaign is scrambling to remember what a King County Executive...
Report: Greenwood, Greenwood Always Up to No Good
Warning that California transplants definitely be “up in
this” local watchdog journalists unveiled a groundbreaking report today confirming
once and for all that, yeah, Greenwood, Greenwood always up to no good.
“Even Wedgwood tryin’ to get a...
Citing Need to Attract More Assholes, SPD Adds Teslas to Fleet
After years of struggling to recruit enough assholes into its ranks, today the City of Seattle said it would be adding Teslas to its Seattle Police Department’s cruiser fleet.
“It takes a lot more than...
Man Can’t Believe Buy Nothing Group Not Pouncing on Half-Eaten Box of Waffles
A Ballard man has been left in disbelief today after not even a single member of his local Buy Nothing group showed interest in his generous offer of a half-eaten box of waffles.
“I just...
Local Midwesterner Rolls Eyes at Seattleites’ Inability to Drive in a Tornado
As surprise tornado warnings kept Western Washington residents cowering inside their homes today, one Missouri transplant is scoffing at Seattleites’ pathetic inability to drive inside a shearing pillar of wind.
“You should have seen the...
