Microsoft Worker Still Thinks He Can Convince Friends to Use Bing

In the middle of a heated argument over the name of the actor who played Mr. Belvedere, 34-year-old Microsoft UX Designer Steve Ashby tragically revealed today he still thinks there's an even remote possibility...

Majestic Lake Washington Bald Eagle Shits on Car

A lone bald eagle glided across the still waters of Lake Washington and swooped through the tall Seward Park spruces this afternoon before unleashing a torrent of shit on an unsuspecting Kia in a...

#TBT: 5 Top-Read Posts for February

If you were buried so deep in an igloo last month that you missed last February's top-read posts, fret not: 1. Howard Schultz Promises to Move Nation's Capitol to Oklahoma City if Elected President 2....

Elementary School Bus Races Minivan with Oregon Plates

Tire squeals and burned rubber left startled parents and teachers searching for answers in front of Everett’s Fairmount Elementary School, where two traffic law-flouting dragsters took off like madmen today. “We heard our bus driver...

Knife Fight Breaks Out Amongst Ravenna Roommates Over Composting Argument

A clash over proper composting methods between two rival roommates in an eco-friendly Ravenna household today reportedly resulted in an old-fashioned knifefight for the ages. The conflict began when Lacey Edkins, 24, allegedly tried to...

Stimulus Payments Delayed As Trump Demands Publishers Clearing House Deliver Each on 3-Foot-Wide Checks

Today the IRS informed Americans still waiting for their stimulus payments that their delivery had been delayed again while President Donald Trump arranges for each 3-foot-wide posterboard check to be hand-delivered by a Publishers...

Model Citizen Stakes Out Ballot Drop to Inform Stragglers He Voted Weeks Ago

August primary voters rushing to turn in their ballots at a Wallingford drop box at the last minute were aided tonight by local Good Samaritan Chester Hines, who let them all know he got...

The Needling’s 2020 Real Fake News Corrections: We Regret the Accuracy

Here at The Needling we strive to uphold our credibility as a real fake news organization that only reports real fake news. Unfortunately sometimes we accidentally end up reporting real real news, sometimes even...

Amazon Launches Audit of U.S. Government After Owing $9 in Taxes

The United States government is currently undergoing a gigantic audit by Amazon, its corporate overlord, after the tech giant discovered today that the nation is attempting to tax them an entire $9. “Everyone, especially the...

Overzealous Fishmonger Sends Pike Place Salmon into Orbit

A staple Seattle tourist trap looked more like Cape Canaveral today as one of its coverall-clad employees hurled a fish straight through the roof of Pike Place Market and all the way out of...