White Man in Uwajimaya Saves Day With Kewpie Mayo Recommendation
Today a helpless woman who looked like she had no idea what she was doing in the exotic aisles of Uwajimaya, Seattle’s best Asian grocery store, was rescued by a cultured and learned white...
‘You Didn’t See Shit,’ Local Says to California Tourist Witnessing Sunny Seattle Spring
As locals basked in sunshine utterly surrounded by greenery, flowers, sparkling waters, and unbeatable snow-capped mountain views almost too beautiful together to be true, one visitor from California witnessing Seattle’s alleged secret spring was...
Eldest Daughter Expecting Full Mother’s Day Brunch for National Siblings Day Disappointed Again
Eldest daughters nationwide awoke today expecting to smell the sweet scent of fresh cinnamon rolls and scrambled eggs of a full Mother’s Day Brunch on National Siblings Day, only to once again be met...
Film Fanatic Cousin Ruins Holiday Telling Everyone Where All the Easter Eggs Are
Today a local holiday family gathering was completely upended when a film fanatic cousin couldn’t stop telling everyone where all the Easter eggs were.
“You know, I put a lot of hard work into hiding...
Baby Poked in Eye by Faulty Spoon Airplane Manufactured by Boeing
Boeing came under fire once again today after it was revealed that a baby was poked in the eye by a faulty Boeing 737 Spoon Airplane that the company had manufactured.
“I was bringing the...
Uber Eats Adds ‘CEO Yacht Fee’
Uber customers experienced an unexpected sticker shock today after an additional “CEO Yacht Fee” began appearing on orders placed within Seattle.
“First was the ‘Service Fee’, then the ‘Local Operating Fee’, and I could even...
Starbucks CEO Working Publicity Shift at Café Fucks Up Every Single Order
Starbucks CEO Laxman Narasimhan took a break from extracting value for shareholders to extract some coffee during a publicity shift at a Capitol Hill Starbucks today, where he reportedly proceeded to fuck up every...
Brave Local Bearded Man Comes Out as Not a Big Fan of IPAs
After years of hiding a truth he feared would alienate himself from friends and family alike, brave local bearded man Martin Price has officially come out as "actually not a fan of IPAs at...
Alaska Smooths Over Boeing MAX Blowout by Only Seating People Who Take Their Shoes Off During Flight Near Plug Doors
Following a dramatic incident in which a door flew off a Boeing 737 MAX during flight, Alaska Airlines reassured wary passengers today that they will take all necessary precautions to only seat people who...
Dog-Owning, Mountain-Climbing Brewmaster Realizes He Hates Dogs, Mountains, Beer
In a moment of inconvenient clarity atop Vesper Peak, one local man who has made his entire personality a combination of dogs, mountaineering, and brewing beer made the extremely unfortunate personal realization today that...
