Amidst increasingly damning allegations, today viral variant fraternity Alpha Delta Lambda denied all accusations that it intentionally facilitates routinely fatal hazing rituals.
“Look, asking pledges to chug viral loads down at weekend keggers while completely unvaccinated is not a hazing ritual unique to ADLamb – it’s just what all young, unvaccinated idiots are doing these days whether they’re rushing us or not. That’s not us, yo – even if we are a big part of the problem lol,” said fraternity president Aaron Avyrus while adjusting a backwards baseball hat. “We have no control over whether unvaccinated pledges leave our RNA coursing through their bodies long enough to create their own competing fraternity of viral variants. Not gonna lie, seeing our brothers mutate into increasingly more deathly forms is pretty rad tho.”
One such unvaccinated ADLamb member recently created so many increasingly transmissible variants within his body he formed his own viral variant frat this summer.
“Kappa Gamma Iota has really taken off without a hitch,” said Chad Rogan. “It’s unfortunate how many of our young pledges have thoughtlessly passed on the initiation to family, friends, front-line workers and entire countries without full vaccine access who are less able to survive. What’s most important, though, is that we never inconvenienced ourselves with masks or vaccines so we can continue to survive and think of no one but ourselves. Well, at least most of us including fools who still haven’t gotten their sense of taste or smell back in months and maybe never will, haha, lol.”
At press time, ADLamb maintained their rumored hazing ritual of spitting straight into pledges mouths is just cell-bonding experience that just happens to routinely create fatal blood clots in millions of people worldwide.
