Although she totally believes global warming is an immediate existential threat to many, local woman Sherry Hayes said she thinks forests could protest climate change a little more peacefully by not being so incinerated all the time.

“Like, I know why you’re on fire and it’s not your fault and you need a lot of help to put it out, but I still think you could take the temp down a few notches, you know?” said Hayes, sipping chilled white wine from her living room. “Trust me: When you get yourself under control like a good little forest and everything goes back to normal, that’s when people will finally rush to start taking your survival seriously. But all this uncomfortable smoke you’re sending everywhere to alert people you’re going down in flames right now? It’s just rude, honestly.”

Hayes says creating all this collateral property damage is no way to get people on your side either.

“I know you’re fighting for your very existence, but that’s no excuse to be so dramatic about it,” Hayes said. “We see you, we hear you and we’re totally going to address climate change in some vague way at some vague point in the future, okay? But, for now, just calm the fuck down because you’ve already ruined my weekend travel plans at the lakehouse. All weekend plans matter, you know, not just yours.”

At press time Hayes had moved on to telling a grandson struggling to swim in her backyard pool that no one is going to help him until he stops flailing and splashing so hard.