A week after Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan handed out copies of her police defunding proposal, skeptical activists finally dug into the documents today only to discover that, all along, they were actually just very realistic cake.
“We were finally ready to dive into the details of a plan we already knew was so much less than what we asked for,” said local Black Lives Matter organizer Dustin Johnson. “But when I turned the first page, all I found was a sheet of white, letter-painted fondant icing over some shitty carrot cake – with raisins! And way too much nutmeg. Mayor Durkan clearly has no shame and should resign before we recall her cake-faking ass.”
Addressing reporters in a midday press conference from the veranda of her multi-million-dollar Windermere mansion, Durkan assured local media she will be doing nothing of the sort.
“Let BLM activists eat cake,” Durkan said with a laugh. “Did these community stakeholders really think I would be open to any meaningful, lasting changes in the justice system? When I was U.S. Attorney, I did not hesitate to lock innocent people up in a federal prison’s solitary confinement chambers for months simply for refusing to name which of their friends attended a Seattle May Day protest where a few court windows got cracked. Fun fact: You can strip people of their Fifth Amendment rights and force them to incriminate others with the threat of up to 18 months in prison if you toss them into a secretive Grand Jury proceeding. These poor fucks weren’t even at the protest and they couldn’t get out of prison until some soft judge court-ordered their release five months in. There’s a whole Wikipedia entry on it – look it up: ‘Seattle grand jury resisters.’ So, um, yeah: Enjoy the fucking cake.”
Durkan also called on Seattle City councilmembers advancing actual public safety reform proposals to stop posturing as politicians willing to do more than posturing.
“Did you see how some of them actually showed up at protests in person to try to keep police from repeatedly teargassing Capitol Hill last month? And then kept working on policy intended to prevent that kind of unnecessarily violent clusterfuck from happening again?” Durkan said shaking her head. “Showoffs.”
