In what some are calling a coronavirus-era miracle, the few poorly paid and overworked reporters who still remain in the local newspaper industry for some godforsaken reason finally showed their community some heart when they temporarily removed paywalls from their COVID-19 coverage this week.

“It’s about time. Can you believe that after opening 10 online articles I found essential enough to read from a Pulitzer Prize-winning publication, The Seattle Times had ever wanted me to pitch in $4 for an entire month of full news access?” said longtime online news consumer Mike Johnson. “Look, if you’re not willing to forgo any kind of savings account, chance of paying off student loans, or real retirement plan, are you even a real newspaper reporter?”

Green Lake resident Betty Frank took it a step farther saying that if local reporters really cared about their community, everyone employed at a local newspaper that took down their paywall this week – including The Tacoma News Tribune, The Everett Herald, The Olympian, The Peninsula Daily News, Yakima Herald, The Columbian, Tri-City Herald, Spokesman Review, Wenatchee World, The Daily Chronicle, Walla Walla Union-Bulletin, The Bellingham Herald– would work for free.

“I know it has to be stressful to chase down people for interviews and accurate information under the 24/7 news cycle’s non-stop deadline pressure – especially when it doesn’t seem like truthful and timely information is coming from anywhere else,” said Frank. “But don’t they have a better-paid spouse or rich parents who can subsidize their work and livelihoods? Why do I need to pitch in to help these professionals make a respectable living?”

While acknowledging the reality that local journalism’s old business model of surviving off of advertising is barely if at all sustainable, Capitol Hill resident and frequent incognito mode news consumer Chelsea Egan said she couldn’t believe the newspaper websites ever had a paywall either.

“After seeing an inaccurate news graphic on CNN last night, all news media is basically dead to me. I’m definitely not paying for or donating to any effort that sustains locally-owned news outlets,” Egan said. “I’m sure as people like me financially support journalism less and less, its quality will only improve as newsrooms are left with no choice but being bought out by a hedge fund, Jeff Bezos or closed completely.”

At press time, rumors were floating that one reporter who has been working every waking hour for the last week was greedily taking 10 minutes out of their day to eat an entire slice of pizza.

Previous articleLost, Confused Joe Biden Ambles Into Des Moines Safeway Offering Free Hugs, Massages
Next articleMidwest Transplants Mocked for Inability to Canoe Through Downtown in Unceasing Rain